The usual disclaimer about this being mostly (but not all!) directed at Christians applies here, just go to the last entry if you want to see it.
A woman’s beauty is a powerful thing. Sometimes I even think it is more powerful and complicated then girls themselves realize. I think everyone knows in some capacity the power a woman’s beauty has over men. That will be addressed here, but I think that the more under discussed issue is how much power a woman’s beauty, or perceived lack thereof, has over themselves. The two are very intertwined, so I don’t think I will be able to differentiate the two here.
Now we are all selfish with the things we have. With all selfishness, the person who is ultimately hurt the most is the selfish party. It is no different with women and their beauty. You see, most women use their beauty to direct people to themselves. Remember how we talked about guys getting close to girls in order to score points rather than seeing relationships with girls as a responsibility? Males do that because of their insecurity, we are trying to feel more manly. Same problem with girls. They are unsure of their beauty, so they use it to attract guys to themselves. It’s a simple formula. The more males I can attract = the more beautiful I am. The problem is, when they make themselves the end goal, everyone loses. Let me explain.
First of all, let me paraphrase the central theme of Captivating, a great book.
Women need to seek the affirmation of their beauty from God, since men will always, always fail them. Men will say something, act a certain way, treat women a certain way that will shout out to them: “You are not beautiful!” If a women does not take that question: “am I beautiful?” to God, she will take it somewhere else, and insecurity will ensue. That “somewhere else” is often men.
To avoid this, we need to answer the title question, why are women beautiful? Women are given beauty by God to inspire people to Him; so that He is praised for the beauty that He created. But when men are directed to women as the ultimate goal; when women try to be God to men, (and look around, plenty of women worship going on with men) the men heap unrealistic expectations on the woman. Then the woman, when she cannot meet those expectations, is left empty, thinking once again, “I am not beautiful”.
The answer is for women to use their beauty to guide men to Jesus. Then when men see Jesus, they will have the strength, courage, and the example to love a woman like a man should. In the words of Natasha Bedingfeild, they will, “know how to love you without being told…” Jesus is God so He can handle the expectation of being God. Jesus loved the church so perfectly, and He died for the church. If women lead men to Jesus with their beauty, their man will become that kind of man: The man that would die for His wife. The man that will fight for her His whole life, He will fight for her beauty, because He sees Jesus doing that. He will have the strength because it comes from the unlimited strength of God. He will have the wisdom because it comes from His unlimited wisdom. You get the idea.
Here’s a way to NOT inspire a man to Jesus who is slacking. Start dating him. If you start dating a guy that has “potential” you just ruined it. A guy will not fight for a woman anymore once you let him in. Here’s how the story will go. You see a guy with lots of potential. You see him start getting better (because your beauty inspires him). You decide to start dating him. He starts to do even better, stepping up, being a leader, motivated, passionate (because your beauty inspires him) but once the honeymoon period is over, he will fall back into his old ways, because he doesn’t need to fight anymore, he has you. So you threaten to break up with him, you may give him some juice for a bit. But ultimately, if you marry him, you will be dragging the family to church every Sunday, and he’ll be on the couch watching football. Is that the kind of future you want?
So how do you avoid this? FIND OUT WHAT HE’S DOING WHEN YOU MEET HIM! I’ve got a secret for you. If a guy is a bum when you meet him, he’s not going to change when you start dating him. That’s
13 comments:
Thanks Woms. :)
I think the Jesus People movement used a method similar to this. They called it flirty fishing.
Now Thomas, not saying you're advocating this, 'cause i don't think you do. But, i do see alot of people (myself fully included in time past) dating outside the fold, and justifying it by saying they're intentions are to draw that person in.
I think the points you made are great. Woman can definately inspire men to do things, go places, shave off their mullet etc.
However, I personally do not believe it is ingrained in a woman to be a leader of men in that way.
Let me explain.
If a woman uses her beauty to draw men into church (with the intention of dating him once he has jumped through the hoops of fire, been submersed in water, and whatnot), there is the probability the man is just doing these things to impress and/or woo the woman into dating him. Men do alot of stupid things to attract woman. Drive fast, pee over electric fences, juggle sharp objects. whatever it is, they do it.
There is the huge potential a newly converted man won;t stick around church (see: parable of the seeds). I've seen alot of young woman, through the act of trying to confirm their beauty in the wrong way, draw someone into the fold, get them converted and then start dating them. Oh, things are cool for a bit, then they split, and more damage is done to both parties then ever should have. And, the man potetially might never attend a church again.
Aside from all this, i don't think, as I said before, a woman should be the leader of her mate/sexual partner/husband. By starting the role of leading men into church, conververting them, then dating them, it starts the order with the man following, doing as he's told, jumping through hoops, rolling over, playing dead, all for the treat at the end. I think that if a relationship like this were to grow into a marriage, the man would feel dissatisfied, and the woman would crave a man to follow and lead her correctly.
With that said, i don't think its wrong to bring someone to church. But I think that woman should look within the body for people to pair up with.
Now i grew up in church and read all the "christian dating manuals" (see: Joshua Harris), and after i decided i would only date Christian woman, i looked around the church i was attending and got scared, BIG TIME. I was thinking, i'll poo purple before i marry anyone here. I thought of celibacy!!!!! thats how scared i was! The church i was attending at the time actually condoned and practiced God ordaining marriages (calling them out) through members(deacons) of the church. This is why i left that church. I was scared at any moment they would be calling my name out and betrothing me to sister pithair, or sister mole-bigger-than-my-eyeball-in-the-center-of-her- forehead. (see:Bindhi dot & Gremlins). This actually drove me into dating the world. BIG regret of mine. Definate distaste in my mouth from that. If i could go backwards in time, I would have done a few things different.
I see alot of young people in the church dating outside the church, and i understand somewhat, i think. They come to church, look around and their's no one they're attracted to, or the whole church has dated each other already and they start going to dance clubs(if they're old enough, or own fake ID), or hanging out at the mall if they're not.
Thats what bugs me. That's what I would have done different if i could. I would have went to a better place to look.
If you're church is too small, maybe find a bigger one, maybe volunteer at a summer camp, maybe join a Christian ministry program (see: LifeForce, Street Invaders), maybe join a Christian school (they don't call it bridle college for nothing). There IS other options than going out and swinging you're tush to "Sexy Back". I know alot of people who have met they're mate outside there church, some on missions trips (attn: woman from the third world LOVE our pasty white skin guys), some at traveling christian groups, and ALOT of people i know have found that special someone at Bible college.
Woman, find a man that drives you, and is himself very driven. You won't be satisfied with a man who's not. You can't make up someone else's mind for them.
Men, find a woman who believes, and walks on her own. we're not as strong as we pretend sometime's, and dragging someone else along WILL get burdensome. Ezer Kenendo. right?
Get 'Er Done
well i re-read what i typed and think i might have to make a few retractions (see:back-pedalling too late).
first off, i began typing with the intentions of commenting on toms blog. i got ranting and upon later review felt that my words portrayed me as arguing/countering. I actually agree with what you said mr.pujol.
woman CAN use their beauty to inspire, and should.
I am also not condoning prowling different churchs, colleges, camps, or ministry groups for
date-ables if you're church only has ugly people in it. thats not what i intended, but i think its what i conveyed. sorry.
The initial topic i wanted to share my thoughts on was about woman using their beauty to inspire. THIS IS GOOD. but because we're all human, both parties (male and female) could get the wrong idea or allow themselves into precarious situations. We had a rule in a ministry i worked with: man to man, woman to woman.
I think thats good guideline, and should be applied when and if possible..
If a nubile young girl approaches a young man, and preaches to him and invites him to church, the potential is there that that man might be coming for reasons other than the gospel. Unbeknownst to the girl. maybe the man commits to Christ, that would be good, maybe not. Maybe he bears fruit, maybe he blows off in the first big wind.
and vice~versa.
Onto the woman leadership bit.
i wasn;t saying woman can;t lead, i would be wrong. i was saying that men that might end up in the fold, due to following a woman there with hopes to impress, and might continue a mighty good act to impress them into marriage. This falls into what tom said, with which i agree "if he's a bum when you meet him, him might revert back into a bum in the future" (i paraphrased that alot)
this is probably the case. people can change yes.
It would be nice if everyone could jsut have an experience like paul did on the road to damascus.
it would remove some of the issue.
i've probably contradicted myself alot, so, i think thats a sign i should shut up
thanks for the comments "anonymous" I think I you expressed a better understanding of what I was trying to say in the second post. I appreciate your persistance in understanding what I was saying and your humility. I am encouraged, I hope you are too.
Now that I read your blog will you stop telling me about them in person?
:)
Well said.
And great that you have a blog going on Sex, Love and Jesus Christ... I don't think we talk about it openly and honestly enough... I haven't read your other 4 parts yet though.
Hey Thomas,
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing this... I know it was a couple years ago that you wrote all this... but it is just so encouraging. God has been teaching me about beauty the past few months and telling me, “Arlene, you are beautiful. I made you beautiful inside and out and I will continue to make you more beautiful from within”. Growing up I always held dear that verse that says “Your beauty does not come from outward adornment”. I came to the conclusion back then that what I’m like on the outside doesn’t matter. This year God revealed to me that I have been trying to hide my beauty. For years I have been covering it up, trying to make sure no guy sees any of it with the idea that I could hide it all and then somehow keep it all for my husband... Well God has been teaching me these past months that beauty comes from within, but that doesn’t mean I need to hide all of my beauty. He has made me beautiful and I just need to be careful with it, not hide it away. Yes, it is good to treasure my heart up for my husband, keep myself faithful and pure for him, but I don’t need to hide who I am to do that or hide the beauty God has given me.
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Well, to all those women out there: Do NOT date a bum. Do not date an inspired bum either, i agree. I personally have learned from experience. No one should get involved with someone unless they are at the point where there are no major changes to be made. And for me, as a believer, the number one red flag would be a non or immature Christian. (for me this covers pretty much everything else) Maybe guys are inspired by my beauty, maybe they are drawn to me by my light. But, if that one big red flag is waving I will let it be known (if ever need be) that I am not their girl. I believe that the man out there for me will be the leader God has grown him to be. I would rather him to be inspired to greater depths, yes, but there has to be a foundation, and a solid one.
To the single guys: If you want a lovely kind and beautiful fun loving respectful etc. wife, then you had better be ready for her.
You can't expect that your single life has no effect on whats coming next. And why would a girl like that be attracted to a lazy bum? Only an girl who has low self-esteem/concept, is desperate, lonely, empty, emotionally unstable etc. will settle for less than she deserves. And then ultimately you find yourself in that aweful possition never being able to meet those needs (wich as Tawmis points out only Jesus can).
Now, if there is a special girl in your life who you love or whatever, here is some advice (take it or leave it).
Your work is never done (write that down).
I think i can speak for all girls when i say we love pampering our guys, buying gifts, helping out, pretty much pouring ourselves out for someone we love. Count that as a given. But, we often feel used, and under (if not miss) treated. And yes even by a good guy. Any thoughtful gesture a man makes to a girl is SO important. I can tell ya, girls just love thoughtful gestures; for example, flowers. She will glow as she tells her friends and family. Even a note, or phone call, or something you saw that made you think of her so you had to get it for her. Sincere compliments also go a long way, so she is pretty.. ya she knows it.. but to know that YOU think so, at that moment... i hope you get the idea here. I don't know how naturally this comes to guys, I know it is as easy as breathing for a girl. Maybe we are more thoughtful? Maybe we express it more readily and easily? I don't know. But, guys, if it doesn't come naturally for ya, then its work for ya, and as I said above, it's never done.
As for the question of why God made women beautiful. I do partly agree with Tawmis's statement: "Women are given beauty by God to inspire people to Him; so that He is praised for the beauty that He created." But the question for me fits right in with why are flowers beautiful, the sun set etc. so that as we stare in awe at creation: Glory be to God.
wow I meant for a little comment :s sorry
Don't really know if I agree with the notion that women's beauty is really all that powerful. I fail to see any recognition of male beauty being mentioned in this article or any others. I feel that it is a man made concept that women's beauty is oh so "mighty". If we were to ask God Himself, who were the most beautiful, he would say that He made human men the most beautiful. Most people would be dumbfounded and say "God. There is no way men are the most beautiful". Then God would say, "Have I not created males the most beautiful in all the animal kingdom, including humans?!" He would go on to say that men's beauty is under-appreciated in this world and that he has created men more physically and mentally wonderful. He'd say that ornamentation is what shows the male to be more beautiful in the animal and human kingdom (being that human males are more ornamented that human females). Even if you notice in the Bible, there is a lot of emphasis on beauty in general, like looks really do matter in life. There is a lot of talk about how handsome men are specifically in the the Bible. There may even be more talk and importance placed on men's looks in the Bible then women's looks. I'm not sure, but this is something I would like to dive into. In a way, it kind of proves to me that the Bible is truly inspired by God; because if it was not, then the whole Bible would be written with a male perspective, and would discuss only beauty in women, but not men. Since there is a lot of emphasis on masculine beauty in the Bible this shows that the Bible was not written with a male perspective.
Great post but how does jesus fight for women's beauty ? And he's also a man, where do women Come into play?
Yes this is what I learned
:) good question...
It is sad now days.
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